A Collection of One Liners

You know you're getting old when "happy hour" is an afternoon nap

I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost

You remind me a lot of myself . . . . . . . when I was young and stupid

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner

I'm really easy to get along with once everyone learns to worship me

Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects. --- Worf

Work harder . . . . . all those people on welfare are depending on you!

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

Taste makes waist

Have an adequate day

Body by Ben & Jerry

Boldly going nowhere

Clones are people two

Axe me about Ebonics

Do unto others, then run

Celibacy is not hereditary

Familiarity breeds children

Life is sexually transmitted

We do precision guesswork

Born free . . . Taxed to death

If it's too loud, you're too old

Common sense isn't common

Nothing succeeds like excess

Do pilots take crash-courses?

If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

The older I get, the older old is

Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

A closed mouth gathers no feet

Do witches run spell checkers?

I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

Allow me to introduce my selves

A feature is a bug with seniority

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Justice: A decision in your favor

Strip mining prevents forest fires

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Do not disturb. Already disturbed

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

Today's subliminal message is . . .

Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Everyone is entitled to my opinion

If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

I don't work here. I'm a consultant

Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

The best things in life aren't things

I never repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time

Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

Everything is in walking distance if you have the time

Expansion Slots -- The extra holes in your belt buckle

What's your point? I mean beside the tip of your head

I'll never forget when I met my wife -- but I keep trying

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician

How does the door close after the bus driver gets off?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is that a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Am I getting smart with you?. . How would you know?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand

Don't ask me any questions I'm making this up as I go

The only evidence against evolution are its opponents

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected

It took drugs to teach American kids the metric system

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men

Average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top

At the end of the money I always have some month left

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive

If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature

The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut

Anything you say will be misquoted & used against you

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people

This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me

Of course I don't look busy. . . . I did it right the first time

Fate made us co-workers . . . . . Prozac makes us friends

Forgive your enemies . . . . . but never forget their names

I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem

"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog

AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse

I like feminists; I think they're cute

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

Does killing time damage eternity?

How can there be self-help groups?

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

If the enemy is in range, so are you

Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

Exceptions always outnumber rules

Adults are just kids who owe money

All stressed out and no one to choke

Constipated people don't give a crap

Reality is the leading cause of stress

I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

Where there's a will, I want to be in it

Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

Never miss a good chance to shut up

All computers wait at the same speed

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How come night falls but day breaks?

How do I set the laser printer to stun?

If we quit voting will they all go away?

Is it time for your medication or mine?

Bugs come in through open Windows

INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

When all else fails manipulate the data

I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

Insanity is my only means of relaxation

No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

When money talks, the criminal walks

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it

A fool and his money are soon partying

One good turn gets most of the blanket

I'm having an out of money experience

Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity

The information went data way ---------- >

Work is the curse of the drinking classes

Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener

If you can't convince them, confuse them

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

How about never? Is never good for you?

Am I ambivalent? . . . . Well, yes and no

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead

Every morning is the dawn of a new error

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand

And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter

Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking

Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen

If cows could fly, you'd appreciate seagulls

All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it

If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer

All extremists should be taken out and shot

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant

He's the first in his family born without a tail

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after

Stop repeat offenders. Quit re-electing them

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

To avoid computer virus, practice safe HEX

Never lay glazed donuts on your mouse pad

All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent

Program Halted --- Hit any user to continue

How do you get cat hair out of a hard drive?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

That's a nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion

It's better to be looked over than overlooked

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS

If God is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him

He who has no opinion will seldom be wrong

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door

Get the facts first - you can distort them later

Meetings -- The practical alternative to work

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can

People don't quit playing because they grow old... They grow old because they quit playing

Real programmers don't document . . . If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something

Show me a man with his head held high and I'll show you a man having trouble with his bifocals

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun -- Al Capone

Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating? So they don't have to hear the snoring

Learn to accept the fact that in life some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue

The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence, because it's so rare

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the car

I have a mind like a steel trap -- not used very often but extremely dangerous when it is being used

The secret of life is honesty and fairness. If you can fake that, you've got it made -- Groucho Marx

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking too good either

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was

When I met my wife I knew she was "Miss Right" . . . I didn't know that her first name was "Always"

Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself to it -- Benjamin Franklin

Buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations. . . Why is my desk is called a workstation?

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

Why is it that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

If a man, alone in the woods, says something and there isn't a woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Behind many a successful man is a woman . . . . . Behind the fall many successful men is another woman

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along

Science is like sex.Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but that's not the reason we're doing it

You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

Married men should forget all their mistakes . . . . there's no use in having two people who never forget them

Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?

My wifes' mind is completely gone, little wonder, since she's been giving me a piece of it every day for 15 years

"Their nature. . .is to argue and procrastinate, yet we persist in electing lawyers to Congress" -- Ben Franklin

You're in bad shape when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around

Now that I've given up hope I feel much better

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show

New AOL Logo: The internet is full, go away!

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed

All work and no play, will make you a manager

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded

Half the people in the world are below average

I tried to think but nothing happened! - Curly

Whitewater isn't over until the First Lady sings

You're never too old to learn something stupid

Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage

No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand

The definition of Virtue: Insufficient Temptation

I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit

If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people

Budget: A method for going broke methodically

How do they get the deer to cross at the signs?

When did my wild oats turn to shredded wheat?

Start your own movement. . . . .eat some prunes

Sometimes a lot goes on but not much happens

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept

When your work speaks for itself don't interrupt

You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it

It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser

The buck doesn't even slow down here anymore

Breaking Windows - it isn't just for kids anymore

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either

Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once

A single fact can ruin a good argument everytime

Despite the cost of living it remains fairly popular

In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equally

May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode

99 percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name

You'll never win an argument concerning religion

The older you get, the better you realize you were

There's too many freaks and not enough circuses

Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere

He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals

Few women admit their age . . . Few men act theirs

Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper

I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left

Do subliminal(send)messages (me)really(money) work?

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong

Understanding women is like nailing Jello to a tree

No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck

It's a lot easier to apologize than to ask permission

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition

I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it

Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough

Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain

Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck

Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here today is done

Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?

If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Sex? What do I know about sex? I'm a married man

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live

Two CAN live as cheaply as one . . . . for half as long

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers

Pi R squared? No! Pie R round! Cornbread R square

Any car will last a lifetime - if you're careless enough

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned

Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet

Keep talking . . . . . I always yawn when I'm interested

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary

You're only young once but you can be immature forever

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage

Even Popeye didn't eat spinach until he absolutely had to

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I

The statement below is true. The statement above is false

I'm just another road kill on the Information Superhighway

Don't you just hate it, when there's not enough room to fin

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full

No one ever says, "It's only a game", when they're winning

Failure is not an option. . . . It's bundled with your software

Only in plumbing is a straight flush better than a full house

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out

My wife and I were happy for over 20 years -- then we met

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws

Lead me not into temptation. I can usually find it by myself

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely

Re-Intarnation -- When you die and come back as a hillbilly

If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help

When all is said and done, more is usually said than is done

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

I'll be glad to help you out . . . . Which way did you come in?

How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Why do men die before their wives ? Because they want to

You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions

I have plenty of talent and vision . . . . I just don't give a hoot

Women typically like the simple things in life . . . . . . like men

Right of way is considered a function of mass times velocity

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils

The fastest way to find something you've lost is to replace it

In politics stupidity is not a handicap -- Napoleon Bonaparte

If you read in the bathroom, is that considered multi-tasking?

Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep

Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else

Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind

Mental backup in progress! Do Not Disturb! I Am NOT Asleep!

Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer

Jesus Loves You . . . . . . The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot

If your feet smell and your nose runs you're built upside down

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of four isn't bad

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground

I fight evil wherever it may be . . . . except in dark, scary places

I have kleptomania . . . when it gets bad, I take something for it

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I eat bran cereal every morning ... I guess I'm just a regular guy

Whatever kind of look you were going for today, you missed it

Three words guaranteed to humiliate men --- "Hold my purse"

Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

The worst thing about government censorship is . . . . .[deleted]

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone

Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it's gone

The golden years . . . . . . When actions creak louder than words

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others

Forget the health food . . . I need all the preservatives I can get

A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle

Sex is like air, the less you have the more important it becomes

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere

You're starting to sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

Never use a prodigious word when a diminutive one will suffice

Everyone has a right to be heard. Some just abuse the privilege

What do football players get on math tests? . . . . . . . . . . . . drool

Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat

Some people are alive today only because it's illegal to kill them

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups

Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack - Yogi Berra

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose

Do people in Australia refer to the rest of the world as "up over"?

Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?

How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it does to get tired

I usually feel better after a few winks, especially if she winks back

THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down

I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

If we are what we eat then I'm cheap, fast, and bad for your health

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane

One nice thing about egotists -- they don't talk about other people

Early to rise and early to bed Makes one healthy but socially dead

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going wrong

The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a rat

Fairy Tale -- A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers

Two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen & stupidity

If I had known I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself

Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?

Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Owners of digital watches -- BEWARE - Your day's are numbered

Experience is what you get when you are expecting something else

Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy

Confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the reputation

I can do anything, given the satisfaction that it's annoying someone

A pessimist will complain about the noise when opportunity knocks

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said

There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of it

When everything's coming your way, you're usually in the wrong lane

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program

These days people take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

What if the Hubble telescope is right and the universe really is fuzzy ?

I'm a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in

A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be

I was at a fight last night when an episode of Jerry Springer broke out

Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote

I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your part

I bought a camouflage shirt and hung it in my closet. Now I can't find it

He's a really down to earth person. . . . . but not quite far down enough

Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific

The reason that women like silent men is that they think we're listening

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you

Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with

The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in

A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it

I've been working for this company ever since they threatened to fire me

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due

Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian but they aren't laughing now

The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull through

What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are wanted

College is a fountain of Knowledge . . . and the students are there to drink

Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?

Daylight savings time --- why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Women's minds are cleaner than men's because they change it more often

I once took a college course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx

I told my boss that I was a great asset . . . . . he said I was off by two letters

Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results

Anyone who can remain calm during a crisis, just doesn't have all the facts

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night

There's two theories as to arguing with a woman . . . . . . . neither one works

Always and Never are two words you should always remember never to use

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom

A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone else

Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes

That money talks, I'll not deny. When mine speaks to me, it says "Good-bye."

If it's true that "What you don't know can't hurt you," then I must be invincible

There is always death and taxes. However death doesn't get worse every year

Any solution proposed by a politician will cause more problems than it solves

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to others

Married people don't really live longer than single people, it just seems longer

I went to school to become a wit . . . . unfortunately I only got halfway through

You say a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long lonely journey

Whenever someone is doing something "for your own good", you won't like it

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that's usually sufficient

Suburbia: a place where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them

People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the foot

Computers are like air-conditioners -- neither one works if you open windows

Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffer-ring

Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones

Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. (Mark Twain)

We could all take a lesson from the weather. . . . It pays no attention to criticism

An apple a day keeps the doctor away but an onion a day keeps everyone away

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late

No man's life, liberty or property are safe as long as the legislature is in session

There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps

Why did they call it "PMS"? . . . . because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken

Of life's two certainties, taxes is the only one for which you can get an extension

If you think there's good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody

To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large fortune

If it wasn't for the optimist, the pessimist would never know how happy he wasn't

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer

How can an undertaker raise his burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?

Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are in two pieces

Inside this body there's a really skinny person screaming to get out . . . . . I ate him

Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig

You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you really have

Theory of relativity: The more relatives are visiting you, the slower the time passes

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing about

What's so hard about the game show Jeopardy? . . . .They give you all the answers

I'm grateful that I'm not as judgmental as all those self-righteous people around me

You know you're getting old when you can get your annual dental check-up by mail

It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt

What some people mistake for the high cost of living, is really the cost of living high

Some people proclaim, "Make love, not war" . . . . Why not get married and do both?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all

The surest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket

Good judgement comes from experience - - - Experience comes from bad judgement

When men watch TV they don't care what's on . . . they want to know what ELSE is on

You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, in every war they kill you in a new way

Those who beat their swords into plowshares will do the plowing for those who do not

I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I don'4;™t know where to start

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action

Where do vampires go to learn how to suck the blood from people? . . . . . . . Law school

Vacation is something you take when you can't take what you've been taking any longer

Instead of getting married why not just find a woman you don't like and give her a house

Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

Hospitality - The art of making your guests feel at home even though you wish they were

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to want to shoot it

Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle

It has now been determined that red meat is good for you . . . . . . . green fuzzy meat is not

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. . . .they have never forgotten that

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there ----- Will Rogers

If I write a book called "How to Fail" and it doesn't sell does that mean that I'm a success?

Due to deregulation the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down until further notice

It's a magical world, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy...let's go exploring! --- Calvin's last words,12/31/95

Why is it that we spend the first half of our lives learning habits that shorten the other half?

The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please - She replied, " I don't know. I've never tried."

A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take her clothes off and then bill her for it

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver

Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then beat you with experience

Women and cats will do as they please . . .men and dogs should just relax and get used to it

Women's faults are many, men have only two -- Everything they say and everything they do

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

You've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you hope it isn't for you

What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate employee? In prison you get free health care

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere, and then wonder what I'm here after.

Having a woman president would save this country a lot of money for one thing, we'd only have to pay her half as much.

Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.

Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

Why do sick people have to walk to the back of the pharmacy for medicine but cigarettes can be purchased at the front of the store?

In Hollywood the streets are full of people that learned to write but evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop writing

Ever notice how there's an inverse relationship between a woman's bra size and intelligence?
The larger the bra she wears, the dumber the guy she's talking to gets.

Animal behaviorists have found that in order to attract a mate, a weasel will occasionally found a company like Enron and make billions dollars.

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come when you call, they like to stay out a lot, and when they're home they like to sleep and be left alone. In other words, qualities that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

The good news today is that there aren't nearly as many whales beaching themselves and dying anymore.
The bad news is that it's because of all the oil on the coast -- they just slide right back in

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

Future historians will be able to gather information from the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.

May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself couldn't find you with a telescope. - Irish Curse