A Collection of One Liners
You know you're getting old when "happy hour" is
an afternoon nap
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the
You remind me a lot of myself . . . . . . . when I was young and
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner
I'm really easy to get along with once everyone learns to worship
Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects. ---
Work harder . . . . . all those people on welfare are depending on
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental
Taste makes waist
Have an adequate day
Body by Ben & Jerry
Boldly going nowhere
Clones are people two
Axe me about Ebonics
Do unto others, then run
Celibacy is not hereditary
Familiarity breeds children
Life is sexually transmitted
We do precision guesswork
Born free . . . Taxed to death
If it's too loud, you're too old
Common sense isn't common
Nothing succeeds like excess
Do pilots take crash-courses?
If it ain't broke, fix it until it is
The older I get, the older old is
Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
A closed mouth gathers no feet
Do witches run spell checkers?
I don't get even . . . . . I get odder
Allow me to introduce my selves
A feature is a bug with seniority
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Justice: A decision in your favor
Strip mining prevents forest fires
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
Do not disturb. Already disturbed
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Today's subliminal message is . . .
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
Everyone is entitled to my opinion
If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert
I don't work here. I'm a consultant
Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
The best things in life aren't things
I never repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time
Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Everything is in walking distance if you have the time
Expansion Slots -- The extra holes in your belt buckle
What's your point? I mean beside the tip of your head
I'll never forget when I met my wife -- but I keep trying
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
How does the door close after the bus driver gets off?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is that a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Am I getting smart with you?. . How would you know?
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand
Don't ask me any questions I'm making this up as I go
The only evidence against evolution are its opponents
People like you are the reason we have middle fingers
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive
The trouble with political jokes is that they get elected
It took drugs to teach American kids the metric system
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men
Average is just as close to the bottom as it is to the top
At the end of the money I always have some month left
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut
Anything you say will be misquoted & used against you
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people
This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me
Of course I don't look busy. . . . I did it right the first time
Fate made us co-workers . . . . . Prozac makes us friends
Forgive your enemies . . . . . but never forget their names
I had a life once . . . now I have a computer and a modem
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the
AAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse
I like feminists; I think they're cute
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
Does killing time damage eternity?
How can there be self-help groups?
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy
BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy
If the enemy is in range, so are you
Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving
Exceptions always outnumber rules
Adults are just kids who owe money
All stressed out and no one to choke
Constipated people don't give a crap
Reality is the leading cause of stress
I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got
Where there's a will, I want to be in it
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
Never miss a good chance to shut up
All computers wait at the same speed
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
Hookt On Fonicks Werked Four Me
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
How come night falls but day breaks?
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
If we quit voting will they all go away?
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Bugs come in through open Windows
INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter
When all else fails manipulate the data
I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
Insanity is my only means of relaxation
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier
When money talks, the criminal walks
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Baby Philosophy - If it stinks, change it
A fool and his money are soon partying
One good turn gets most of the blanket
I'm having an out of money experience
Knocked; you weren't in. -- Opportunity
The information went data way ---------- >
Work is the curse of the drinking classes
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener
If you can't convince them, confuse them
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
How about never? Is never good for you?
Am I ambivalent? . . . . Well, yes and no
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead
Every morning is the dawn of a new error
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand
And your crybaby whiny opinion would be?
RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter
Sooner or later, EVERYONE stops smoking
Make yourself at home .....clean my kitchen
If cows could fly, you'd appreciate seagulls
All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer
All extremists should be taken out and shot
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant
He's the first in his family born without a tail
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after
Stop repeat offenders. Quit re-electing them
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
To avoid computer virus, practice safe HEX
Never lay glazed donuts on your mouse pad
All reports are in: Life is now officially unfair
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent
Program Halted --- Hit any user to continue
How do you get cat hair out of a hard drive?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Have you ever seen a plumber bite his nails?
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
That's a nice perfume. Did you marinate in it?
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
It's better to be looked over than overlooked
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS
If God is your co-pilot, switch seats with Him
He who has no opinion will seldom be wrong
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door
Get the facts first - you can distort them later
Meetings -- The practical alternative to work
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
I miss my wife's cooking. . . . as often as I can
People don't quit playing because they grow old... They grow old
because they quit playing
Real programmers don't document . . . If it was hard to write, it
should be hard to understand
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia
Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have
to say something
Show me a man with his head held high and I'll show you a man having
trouble with his bifocals
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile
and a gun -- Al Capone
Why do black widow spiders kill the males after mating? So they don't
have to hear the snoring
Learn to accept the fact that in life some days you're the pigeon and
some days you're the statue
The single most exciting thing you encounter in government is competence,
because it's so rare
Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters
and too young to borrow the car
I have a mind like a steel trap -- not used very often but extremely
dangerous when it is being used
The secret of life is honesty and fairness. If you can fake that,
you've got it made -- Groucho Marx
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow
isn't looking too good either
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was
When I met my wife I knew she was "Miss Right" . . . I
didn't know that her first name was "Always"
Many a man thinks he is buying pleasure, when he is really selling himself
to it -- Benjamin Franklin
Buses stop at bus stations and trains stop at train stations. . . Why is
my desk is called a workstation?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
"I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language. Could
it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?
Why is it that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot and anyone
driving faster than you is a maniac?
If a man, alone in the woods, says something and there isn't a woman
there to hear him, is he still wrong?
Behind many a successful man is a woman . . . . . Behind the fall many
successful men is another woman
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along
Science is like sex.Sometimes something useful comes out of it, but
that's not the reason we're doing it
You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what
else you can do while you're down there
Married men should forget all their mistakes . . . . there's no use in
having two people who never forget them
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people
we've been bombing been complaining?
My wifes' mind is completely gone, little wonder, since she's been
giving me a piece of it every day for 15 years
"Their nature. . .is to argue and procrastinate, yet we persist in
electing lawyers to Congress" -- Ben Franklin
You're in bad shape when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can
see your rear end without turning around
Now that I've given up hope I feel much better
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show
New AOL Logo: The internet is full, go away!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed
All work and no play, will make you a manager
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
Half the people in the world are below average
I tried to think but nothing happened! - Curly
Whitewater isn't over until the First Lady sings
You're never too old to learn something stupid
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage
No job is so simple that it can't be done wrong
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand
The definition of Virtue: Insufficient Temptation
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people
Budget: A method for going broke methodically
How do they get the deer to cross at the signs?
When did my wild oats turn to shredded wheat?
Start your own movement. . . . .eat some prunes
Sometimes a lot goes on but not much happens
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept
When your work speaks for itself don't interrupt
You can't buy love . . . but you pay heavily for it
It's a lot easier to get older than it is to get wiser
The buck doesn't even slow down here anymore
Breaking Windows - it isn't just for kids anymore
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once
A single fact can ruin a good argument everytime
Despite the cost of living it remains fairly popular
In a nuclear war, all men will be cremated equally
May your life be like toilet paper - long and useful
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode
99 percent of lawyers give all the rest a bad name
You'll never win an argument concerning religion
The older you get, the better you realize you were
There's too many freaks and not enough circuses
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere
He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals
Few women admit their age . . . Few men act theirs
Don't marry for money - you can borrow it cheaper
I started out with nothing. I still have most of it left
Do subliminal(send)messages (me)really(money) work?
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong
Understanding women is like nailing Jello to a tree
No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck
It's a lot easier to apologize than to ask permission
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it
Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough
Never assume malice for what stupidity can explain
Beer Nuts are $1.29, but deer nuts are under a buck
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here today is done
Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?
If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Sex? What do I know about sex? I'm a married man
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live
Two CAN live as cheaply as one . . . . for half as long
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers
Pi R squared? No! Pie R round! Cornbread R square
Any car will last a lifetime - if you're careless enough
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned
Nobody ever forgets WHERE they buried the hatchet
Keep talking . . . . . I always yawn when I'm interested
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism
Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary
You're only young once but you can be immature forever
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast
Your E-Mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage
Even Popeye didn't eat spinach until he absolutely had to
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s"
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Just because I have a short attention span doesn't mean I
The statement below is true. The statement above is false
I'm just another road kill on the Information Superhighway
Don't you just hate it, when there's not enough room to fin
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full
No one ever says, "It's only a game", when they're
Failure is not an option. . . . It's bundled with your software
Only in plumbing is a straight flush better than a full house
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out
My wife and I were happy for over 20 years -- then we met
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws
Lead me not into temptation. I can usually find it by myself
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely
Re-Intarnation -- When you die and come back as a hillbilly
If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help
When all is said and done, more is usually said than is done
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
I'll be glad to help you out . . . . Which way did you come in?
How does Avon find so many women willing to take orders?
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever
Why do men die before their wives ? Because they want to
You can lead a fool to wisdom but you can't make him think
I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions
I have plenty of talent and vision . . . . I just don't give a
Women typically like the simple things in life . . . . . . like men
Right of way is considered a function of mass times velocity
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
The fastest way to find something you've lost is to replace it
In politics stupidity is not a handicap -- Napoleon Bonaparte
If you read in the bathroom, is that considered multi-tasking?
Some mornings I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind
Mental backup in progress! Do Not Disturb! I Am NOT Asleep!
Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Jerry Springer
Jesus Loves You . . . . . . The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot
If your feet smell and your nose runs you're built upside down
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me
I've got two wonderful children - and two out of four isn't
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
I fight evil wherever it may be . . . . except in dark, scary places
I have kleptomania . . . when it gets bad, I take something for it
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I eat bran cereal every morning ... I guess I'm just a regular guy
Whatever kind of look you were going for today, you missed it
Three words guaranteed to humiliate men --- "Hold my purse"
Where will you be sitting in eternity - smoking or non-smoking?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
The worst thing about government censorship is . . . . .[deleted]
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone
Now that I've learned to make the most of life, most of it's
The golden years . . . . . . When actions creak louder than words
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others
Forget the health food . . . I need all the preservatives I can get
A good day is when the shit hits the fan and I have time to duck
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
Sex is like air, the less you have the more important it becomes
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere
You're starting to sound reasonable...Time to up my medication
Never use a prodigious word when a diminutive one will suffice
Everyone has a right to be heard. Some just abuse the privilege
What do football players get on math tests? . . . . . . . . . . . .
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat
Some people are alive today only because it's illegal to kill them
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself
It's gonna be like threading a needle with a haystack - Yogi Berra
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose
Do people in Australia refer to the rest of the world as "up
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine?
How did a fool and his money ever get together in the first place?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than it does to get tired
I usually feel better after a few winks, especially if she winks back
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy
If we are what we eat then I'm cheap, fast, and bad for your
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane
One nice thing about egotists -- they don't talk about other
Early to rise and early to bed Makes one healthy but socially dead
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Tell me what you believe and I'll tell you where you're going
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win you're still a
Fairy Tale -- A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
Two most common elements in the universe: hydrogen & stupidity
If I had known I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of
Why do people with closed minds always have their mouths open?
Why don't women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
Owners of digital watches -- BEWARE - Your day's are numbered
Experience is what you get when you are expecting something else
Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Confession may be good for the soul, but it's bad for the
I can do anything, given the satisfaction that it's annoying
A pessimist will complain about the noise when opportunity knocks
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she
There are far more ways to get into debt than there are to get out of
When everything's coming your way, you're usually in the wrong
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
These days people take comedians seriously and politicians as a joke
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
What if the Hubble telescope is right and the universe really is fuzzy
I'm a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be
I was at a fight last night when an episode of Jerry Springer broke
Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't
I'd like to give you a going-away present. .but you have to do your
I bought a camouflage shirt and hung it in my closet. Now I can't find
He's a really down to earth person. . . . . but not quite far down
Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he
won't get up
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific
The reason that women like silent men is that they think we're
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop
at the end
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying
I've been working for this company ever since they threatened to fire
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor
They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian but they aren't
The last time I had this much fun, they said I wasn't going to pull
What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws? Outlaws are
College is a fountain of Knowledge . . . and the students are there to
Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his
Daylight savings time --- why are they saving it and where do they keep
Women's minds are cleaner than men's because they change it more
I once took a college course that was so hard I couldn't find the
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. --
I told my boss that I was a great asset . . . . . he said I was off by two
Stupidity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different
Anyone who can remain calm during a crisis, just doesn't have all the
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
There's two theories as to arguing with a woman . . . . . . . neither
Always and Never are two words you should always remember never to use
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone
Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your
That money talks, I'll not deny. When mine speaks to me, it says
If it's true that "What you don't know can't hurt
you," then I must be invincible
There is always death and taxes. However death doesn't get worse every
Any solution proposed by a politician will cause more problems than it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as warning to
Married people don't really live longer than single people, it just
I went to school to become a wit . . . . unfortunately I only got halfway
You say a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long lonely
Whenever someone is doing something "for your own good", you
won't like it
You can fool some of the people some of the time and that's usually
Suburbia: a place where they tear out the trees & then name streets
People who want by the yard, but try by the inch, should be kicked by the
Computers are like air-conditioners -- neither one works if you open
Marriage is a three ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
Let us so live that when we die even the undertaker will be sorry. (Mark
We could all take a lesson from the weather. . . . It pays no attention to
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but an onion a day keeps everyone
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was
No man's life, liberty or property are safe as long as the legislature
is in session
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people
everything you know
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the
Why did they call it "PMS"? . . . . because "Mad Cow
Disease" was already taken
Of life's two certainties, taxes is the only one for which you can get
If you think there's good in everybody then you obviously haven't
To make a small fortune in the stock market you need to start with a large
If it wasn't for the optimist, the pessimist would never know how
happy he wasn't
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet
A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better
How can an undertaker raise his burial charges and blame it on the cost of
Spring break is the time of the year when half the nation's coeds are
in two pieces
Inside this body there's a really skinny person screaming to get out .
. . . . I ate him
Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime
commitment for a pig
You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you
Theory of relativity: The more relatives are visiting you, the slower the
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things I know nothing
What's so hard about the game show Jeopardy? . . . .They give you all
I'm grateful that I'm not as judgmental as all those
self-righteous people around me
You know you're getting old when you can get your annual dental
check-up by mail
It's better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and
remove all doubt
What some people mistake for the high cost of living, is really the cost
of living high
Some people proclaim, "Make love, not war" . . . . Why not get
married and do both?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they
had no faults at all
The surest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
Good judgement comes from experience - - - Experience comes from bad
When men watch TV they don't care what's on . . . they want to
know what ELSE is on
You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, in every war they
kill you in a new way
Those who beat their swords into plowshares will do the plowing for those
who do not
I'm like a mosquito in a nudist camp; I know what to do, but I
don'4;™t know where to start
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action
Where do vampires go to learn how to suck the blood from people? . . . . .
. . Law school
Vacation is something you take when you can't take what you've
been taking any longer
Instead of getting married why not just find a woman you don't like
and give her a house
Middle age is when you're cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police
Hospitality - The art of making your guests feel at home even though you
wish they were
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't
affectionate out of bed
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're going to
want to shoot it
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in
It has now been determined that red meat is good for you . . . . . . .
green fuzzy meat is not
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. . . .they have never
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there ----- Will Rogers
If I write a book called "How to Fail" and it doesn't sell
does that mean that I'm a success?
Due to deregulation the light at the end of the tunnel will be shut down
until further notice
It's a magical world, Hobbes, Ol' Buddy...let's go exploring!
--- Calvin's last words,12/31/95
Why is it that we spend the first half of our lives learning habits that
shorten the other half?
The last fight we had was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the
TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
A friend asked my wife if I was hard to please - She replied, " I
don't know. I've never tried."
A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take her clothes off and
then bill her for it
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it
holds the universe together
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the
Never argue with an idiot. They'll drag you down to their level then
beat you with experience
Women and cats will do as they please . . .men and dogs should just relax
and get used to it
Women's faults are many, men have only two -- Everything they say and
everything they do
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things
that money can buy
You've reached middle age when the phone rings on Saturday night, you
hope it isn't for you
What's the difference between being in prison and being a corporate
employee? In prison you get free health care
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go
somewhere, and then wonder what I'm here after.
Having a woman president would save this country a lot of money for one
thing, we'd only have to pay her half as much.
Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device?
I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing and that was the
closest our country has ever been to being even.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting
clothes. If I had any I wouldn't have signed up in the first
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you
do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Why do sick people have to walk to the back of the pharmacy for medicine
but cigarettes can be purchased at the front of the store?
In Hollywood the streets are full of people that learned to write but
evidently can't read. If they could read their stuff, they'd stop
Ever notice how there's an inverse relationship between a woman's
bra size and intelligence?
The larger the bra she wears, the dumber the guy she's talking to
Animal behaviorists have found that in order to attract a mate, a weasel
will occasionally found a company like Enron and make billions
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they
don't listen, they don't come when you call, they like to stay out
a lot, and when they're home they like to sleep and be left alone. In
other words, qualities that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
The good news today is that there aren't nearly as many whales
beaching themselves and dying anymore.
The bad news is that it's because of all the oil on the coast -- they
just slide right back in
A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and it's a
woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark until he matures
into something she'd like to have dinner with.
Future historians will be able to gather information from the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill
Clinton Adult Bookstore.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full
of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children
chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself
couldn't find you with a telescope. - Irish Curse